I turn to Christianity.... part 1
Updated: Mar 18, 2019
Mia Mia State Commission Housing, Balga, Western Australia
Wounded, damaged, unloved, suicidal.
I question: Why is the sky always blue and why is the grass always green?
Why must we live, when all we do is eat, sleep and wake up and do it all over again.
My mother tells me I ask to many questions for a child my age.
She says, ago out and play with the kids.
I sit lone on the door step watching life pass me by.
I prefer to sit and watch.
It's safe, I feel no one can harm me.
I'm five years of age.
I've started to learn English.
A man comes to the neighbourhood. He looks different to the rest of the people here in the flats.
He wears a suit. He speaks gentle talk, carries a bag with a blue, white and red stripe, a coil bound book and harmonica.
I sit alone on the door step watching him play his harmonica to the kids.
He is far way... I cant hear what he is saying.
He hands out a piece of card to each child. He leaves.
I remain seated. Kids run from all directions. One kid drops a small card as big as a postage stamp onto the ground and stomps on it.
I pick it up.
I see a picture of a man with a rod and sheep. He wears a gown and his face is gentle and kind. He is beautiful. I read some words on the card, it reads: My sheep hear my voice. I do not understand what this means but all I can see is that beautiful face.. its so precious, I keep it hidden in a pocket. It's all mine and its very special to me.
I wish I could have seen that man. I wish I could have been brave enough to get up from my door step to see him. But I don't deserve anything good.
I don't deserve to live.
I don't deserve love.
The man returns.
He stands underneath the same tree.
Kids gather from everywhere to sit at his feet.
He pulls out his blue, white and red striped bag, coil bound book and harmonica.
I want to see him.
Kids are already sitting at his feet.
I walk slowly to the group but stand three metres away from the crowd.
The man picks up his coil bound book.
He points to a man dying on a cross.
He says out aloud, God sent His Son Jesus to die for you because He loves you so much.
The man points directly to me.
He does not point downwards at the group of kids but directly at me.
I don't believe his words.
I don't believe that Jesus would die for me.
I don't believe that anyone would love me that much.
There must be someone standing beside me that Jesus die for.... not me.
I turn to my left.... theres no one.
I turn to my right... there is no one.... I'm shocked.
I see the man still pointing at me again.
He says, Jesus loves you so much that He died for you.
I can't believe his words. It's not true.
No one loves me. No one would die for me and do that for me.
I then turn around to see if anyone is standing behind me.
My heart beats fast.
My hands shake.
My legs wobble.
My eyes fill with tears.
My breath is filled with anguish and I burst open with wells of more tears and run for my life.
I bang on the front door.
My mother answers.
I race to my bedroom and hide in the wardrobe.
I curl up and cry.
Tears flow down my arms.
My heart aches.
My hurt hurts.
I can't stop crying.... it wont stop.
The words, Jesus loves me so much that He died for me repeats in my head over and over again.
The more I think about it the more I cry.
My mother enters the room and asks why are you crying.
I wipe away my tears, and think about what my father says, tears are for the weak and Muslims don't cry.
I wipe my tears and tell my mother I am not crying. I lie.
She asks me, why are you in the wardrobe.
I tell her that I am hiding from God.
Then she says something that truly shocks me and it changes my thoughts of God for the rest of my life.
She says, God can see you in there.
I asked my mother would she die for me.
She calmly replied, no.
I thought of two words, Jesus did.
Immediately , I felt the ceiling open up and I could see the universe.
I gasped with shock.
I imagined God on a throne above the clouds.
My tears were wiped clean.
My heart was no longer troubled.
I felt a love so deep and so dear. It's hard to explain.
I did not feel alone.
I felt Jesus loves me.
I want to know Jesus now. He is my father.
I need Jesus.
He understands me.
He is all I want.
I prayed, please Jesus I don't want to suffer pain like this anymore.
I want to be pre-warned of any dangers that come my way.
I spoke to God in the clouds each day and I now have a reason to live.
continued.....I turn to Christianity... Part 2.